1. Give your partner space
If you’ve been dogging his footsteps, confronting him with
accusations, stalking his social media profiles, or exhibiting any other desperate behavior, your first order of business is to back off. Take a few deep breaths, detach, and play it cool for a while.
Find opportunities to be with friends, go to an event you've been interested in, and turn him down for at least one get-together.
Be very careful not to act vindictive about this, the point isn't to punish him, give him the cold shoulder, or manipulate him into begging for forgiveness, but to give the both of you a break so you can blow off a little steam, get some perspective, and hopefully save the relationship.
2. Learn to feel good about yourself
Most feelings of jealousy come from being insecure and thinking that someone else can make your partner happier or bring more to the table. Remember that your partner chose you, not anyone else.
Stop obsessing over your weight, height, or looks, your constant negativity is draining for you and your partner both. Worse yet, an overactive attitude of insecurity can drive people away, become a self-fulfilling prophecy that drives you deeper into the hole of fear and self-neglect.
Accept yourself as you are. Your partner is with you for a reason and obviously finds you attractive, but even if he weren't and didn't, you should never let anyone else’s opinion define or validate yours.
3. Deal with past hurts
Most people have them – and many let them spill over into new relationships by either re-enacting the same unhealthy dynamic over and over again or by looking at their wonderful new partners with a skeptical eye.
If necessary, learn how to cope with emotional pain so that you can feel better about yourself and be able to see your current relationship for what it really is.
4. Learn what it means to have a healthy relationship
Whether you’re new to the game or have been at it for years, it’s not always easy to know what a relationship is supposed to be and feel like. Many people don’t grow up with good examples of healthy relationships among their friends, family, or even parents.
What’s worse, having one awful relationship can completely throw off your sense of balance and self-trust, making you second-guess your every move for years to follow.
5. Reassess your current relationship
Once you've done some soul-searching and have a clearer perspective on things, it’s time to look at your relationship with a fresh eye.
Do your jealousy, doubt, and fear stem from your own issues with self-worth… or is that something you've been telling yourself to justify your partner’s unsatisfactory behavior?
Even if you haven’t been as stable a girlfriend as you should be, that doesn't mean you should overlook or write off your partner’s transgressions to over-correct for your own feelings of guilt.
It’s always possible that your out-of-control feelings were the result of trying to suppress your own gut instincts – or, at the very least, that you both have played a hand in making the relationship what it is today.
6. Breathe new life into the relationship
Before you can do any in-depth work on yourself or as a couple, you need to do damage control on your strained relationship. Start by striking a healthy balance between giving your partner space and increasing the quality of your time together.
Pursue your own interests in a meaningful, enriching way: after all, part of what attracts people to one another is mystery, and if you spend all your time checking in on your partner with calls, texts, emails, and Facebook posts, there can hardly be any intrigue left in what you do.
Split your time more evenly between your partner and your friends and allow your partner to do the same. Rediscover your interest in a former passion or, if necessary, find a new hobby that will make your non-romantic time more meaningful.
Then, when you have both remembered what it’s like to miss one another, improve your time together by going on a vacation or staycation, trying something new like taking a partner dance class, or lightening the mood by being playful and maintaining the romance.
7. Build your communication
This is something the two of you both need to work on together; many relationship woes could be cured, if not avoided altogether, if couples simply learned how to truly and effectively communicate with one another. A big part of communicating effectively is knowing how to broach an unpleasant topic without putting your partner on the defensive (or, worse yet, the offensive).
Start by curbing your accusations: learn to state what you feel (ex. “I feel afraid when you stay out late and don’t tell me where you are or how long you’ll be there”) instead of what you fear (“I’m worried you’re cheating on me”), which can be come off like a slap in the face.
Be honest about your thoughts and concerns while you’re having them instead of stockpiling them for later and letting them explode one day out of the blue.
8. Learn to trust
Trust issues can make you go crazy. Ask yourself who it is you really mistrust: your partner, your partner’s friends… or yourself?
Coming to the realization that you still don’t trust yourself in love or that you’re simply threatened by other girls is a good thing, both stem from the same issue, can be worked on, and are totally within your control. Learn how to trust your partner again for his and your sake both.
He didn't text you back? Big deal. Obsessing over things like this will only come across as annoying; if you are laid back and don't expect instantaneous replies to everything, etc, he will not get irritated.
Don't call him to see if he's still there - take a deep breath and let it go. He will reply when he can.
Don’t ask him to stop going certain places. Part of jealousy is the desire to control others, and by giving him freedom, you show that you trust him and make him more likely to respect you.
Don’t write a blank check of trust. If you are genuinely concerned about something, do not be afraid to (gently) broach the topic.
Mention that it makes you feel uncomfortable when he talks to certain girls, or tell him honestly about a behavior he has that bothers you. Don't overreact or make accusations. Simply state how you feel and, if he respects that, he will try to work it out.
If your partner simply isn't trustworthy, it’s his turn to roll up his sleeves and match some of the hard work you've been putting into the relationship. If he can’t or won’t do it, dump him and start looking for someone who will.
9. Be an awesome girlfriend
Okay, so you've managed to salvage the relationship and heal the damage that has been done. Focus on being positive and making the relationship work. The right type of relationship needs communication, trust and prayer.
Culled from Naij, African Sweetheart
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